Wish I Could Say (think Eminem)

Wish I could tell you how it feels to know that I did nothing wrong

But somehow it hurt you and the sorrow is so strong.

Is there somethin' I can do to change your mind,

Baby, let me in, come back one more time?

So I was upset and I did somethin' I wish I could take back,

So this is my punishment? Keep goin' til I crack?

Maybe I already have, maybe I'm already gone,

Maybe it's stupid to just keep hangin' on,

Like I don't know that you're done, don't know that you're out,

Don't know that it's over without any doubt.

Baby, I'm sorry, I don't think I went astray,

I woulda done anything to make you feel you could stay.

And the world is just spinnin' now, your love for me thinnin' now,

And I can't believe I didn't consider

How my actions might distress you, make you bitter.

So now you don't wanna see me, don't wanna pretend that you care,

Even when we are together, you don't look at me, you stare

Like I'm a pain or a bug that you wish you had squashed,

The blood you're crying out for help to wash

Off your life. Don't give me the crap that you just aren't ready,

It might be true, but when we're gettin' all sweaty,

In the dark, all alone, waitin' for that feelin' to hit home,

You know it was me, it's always been me, and it's always been you,

And I wish I could just hear it back when I say that I love you.

Do we need somethin' to compare this to?

A list of broken promises from you?

I ain't blamin' you, baby, I just wanna say to you,

That I understand just what you're goin' through,

But we wasn't together, we weren't even a couple,

So how is it fair to put me in a bubble,

When all I ever asked you to do was hold me,

And you straight up dismissed me and told me,

That my feelin's didn't matter, you didn't care,

And what am I supposed to do, just stand there?

I tried to be strong for you, tried to belong to you,

Tried to do anything I could all along for you,

And what did you give me but excuses and lies,

And when you did come clean and reveal all those ties,

That binded you, blinded you, wish I coulda reminded you,

Of all the things we had, we were good, baby, true blue,

But you don't even remember that, do you?

Wish I could say to you that I don't want you to want me,

Anymore but you haunt me, taunt me, now our friendship just daunts me,

Want more than what you're given me, to know that you've forgiven me,

To take you with me to the place that you've driven me,

But all I can feel now is shame, waitin' patiently is gettin' lame,

And I love you but you know I can't take all the blame,

And all I ever asked you was to show me that you feel the same.

Now I could sit here and call you names,

Tell my friends I'm tired of the games

You play with my heart, I'm fallin' apart,

Lookin' for a place where I can start

Over and just be your friend, I can't stand for this to end,

Even if I never get to hold you again.

But you ain't treatin' me like you treat all the others,

Wrap them in your arms like they're sisters and brothers,

You just leave me out in the cold, like I got old

Can't shake this feelin' that I been sold,

Up the river, baby, ya make me shiver, baby

What an Indian giver, baby, you gave me your word

And it's absurd that you'd take it back again,

Maybe I haven't been a perfect ten,

But I don't deserve the brush off you've been handin' me,

And with you I can't even tell where I'm standin', see

All I want is you, whatever you are,

I ain't tryin' 'a raise the bar,

You and me go back so far it hurts to think that maybe it's over

Maybe we weren't rollin' in the field of clover,

I thought we were, thought we could last,

Thought maybe we could get past the past, I shoulda known,

Shoulda guessed, wish you'd just rip my heart right outta my chest,

It'd hurt less.

I can take responsibility for the stupid thing I did,

And maybe in a lotta ways I'm still just a kid,

But I'm a kid that loves you more than you could know,

And I can't stand that you're leavin' me out in the snow,

It's drivin' me crazy, baby, tryin' to pretend it don't phase me,

The whole world is just gettin' hazy,

I can't laugh, can only cry, maybe I just wanna die,

It's hittin' me now, it's a bitch to bitch with a tear in my eye,

But you don't care, you don't know, just how much you hurt me so,

I guess you wanted me to get it, well, I get it, yo, let me go,

In the end, I guess we're friends, always been the perfect blend,

Seems I'm the friend destined to bend,

Over backwards, overboard. I can't take it anymore,

It's like I'm only happy when I hit the floor.

So come on, baby, and give me all you think I deserve,

And tell me how much I'm on your last nerve,

But you want me around, you need me in your life,

Come on, all you gotta do is push in the knife,

It's already there, ready and waitin',

I'm suffocatin', it's so frustratin',

Damn it, you won't let me be close, maybe it's just adios,

Why not just hand me the lethal dose,

Nothin' but friends, we can't amend, you don't care what I intend

And that's the end.

Portfolio Portraits

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Road Trip: Somewhat Daunted by Spring 2011 Flooding

Road Trip!
Took a road trip with Josh (a.k.a. Brooksey) and his best buddy Chris (a.k.a. Moll) to Hershey/Harrisburg area Saturday, originally intending to visit the Antique Auto museum. They have a limited-time exhibit on the history of the Shelby Mustang. Brooksey loves Shelbys. The museum opened at 9, and our tour lasted less than two hours, so with most of the day left to play with, we headed over to Hershey's Chocolate World. Brooksey has never been on the factory ride. He got a kick out of the singing cows! Even then, we were done before noon. A bit of toying with his GPS and Moll drove us through Harrisburg to the National Civil War museum. Comparatively, Josh and I loved the Civil War museum best, Chris preferred the car museum. All of us were particularly smitten with the Reeses Pieces chocolate cake and peanut butter icing that we had following the chocolate factory ride.

With still quite a bit of time left to spare, we took a joy ride through some known flood zones. The river seems to be creeping ever closer to the roads, with U.S. 11 closed down in some areas. The marina at Shickellamy State Park has been closed for a few days now, but today the water is up over the gate! Parts of Selinsgrove and rural Sunbury are flooded. The Isle of Q, a river island Brooksey once said we should move to, is slowly being swallowed on one side. Pictured to the right is an ordinary road on the island made impassible. After some maneuvering, we backtracked and did manage to find a way home that was not under water.

Although our road trip ended reasonably without drama, it was fun. While I loved the Civil War museum, chasing floodwaters was most undoubtably the highlight of the day. My camera battery died right after my three fabulous floodshots, though, requiring me to return home to charge it. I was a bit depressed, but I'm sure there will be other floods for me to chase in the future.

Timing

Timing is everything. I don't have to tell you that; chances are pretty good you already know it. Guilt is a terrible thing. Now what does timing have to do with guilt? Simple. If you don't have enough time to do everything, you feel guilty you missed something. As I was sitting here doing my homework tonight, my little man was demanding attention. Demanding is definately the right word. I desperately needed to get the work done, and yet, I desperately wanted to give him the attention he was demanding. Herein lies the guilt. My time is precious. I'm sure so is everyone elses. I have so little of it. He missed basketball practice because I have to do my homework and his father, who swore to me when we started the basketball experience that he would take care of it. I told him Thursday was not a good day for me. He told me not to worry about it. He seems to think that just because I rarely work a Thursday night that I can just drop everything and run. I can't. Just because I'm not working doesn't mean I don't have to work.
Oh, I have those days where I so very much envy those who do nothing! I have a few friends and acquaintances, who I would never change for the world, that do nothing. They don't work, they don't go to school, they don't have children, or they do but don't live with them, they have complete and total freedom to do whatever they want. Yet, they are not happy. Why? Because apparently people need to have something to do! I work my ass off. Can I say ass on the Internet? Oh, well, I just did. I work my ass off, working my full-time job, going to school online, volunteering in Home and School (known in other areas as the PTA) and in Cub Scouts. Yes, I'm busy. Yes, I'm stressed. Would I give it up? Not for the world! I'm more determined now than I was at a younger age. I will have my degree. I will keep my job. I will be a good mom.
I have recently been invited to be a member of the Golden Key International Honor Society. I had always hoped, at my previous graduations, to be one of those illustrious students with the gold scarfs hanging around their necks. It is a mark of distinction. I will have it this time around. I will be distinguished. I am among the top 40 of a graduating class of more than 2000. That is nothing to sneeze at! Oh, but will I have time?!


I will make time.

Why White Lines?

     One upon a time, I had an idea for a story. It was about all the events in my life that had somehow coincided with lines, whether I was following them down some highway, standing in them, fighting with them in the television set, or simply crossing them, literally and figuratively. I have never done cocaine. You can check my medical record.
     The title was primarily inspired by my passionate love for the white lines of the road. I love to travel. There's no more beautiful sight to me than the infinate short white lines of the interstate. I could never count them, but I have always wished that one day, I will pass them all.
     Standing in lines requires patience. Sometimes I have it. Sometimes I don't. The best that I can hope for is that they move quickly and don't take up too much of my time. Time is of the essence. Time is precious. There never seems to be enough of it.
     I have given up on television. At this particular time, I can't really afford it, but more importantly, I am not really interested in it. There are a thousand other ways to get the information and entertainment I need without the constant interruption of commercials. Granted, I'm probably missing out on all the "new stuff" out there on the TV waves, but I never really was interested in new stuff. I'm a nostalgic person.
     My favorite feeling in the world is when I cross a border while travelling. "Welcome to Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida..." I like to go south!
     At times, I have crossed figurative lines I probably should not have crossed. There are things I have done in my life that I am not exactly proud of: lines that should have been road blocks. Looking back, I can honestly say I regret very little. Perhaps there are things I might have done differently, but I cannot say I wouldn't have done them at all. I am where I am because of the lines I've crossed. Some might call me brave, some might say I should be ashamed of myself. All I can say is that I'm human. Deal with it.
     So White Lines will be my personal repetiore: the glimpse into my thoughts and feelings that I wouldn't bother to share in person. I will not promise constant random rants and raves. I'm not an entertainer. I will promise honesty. Sometimes it's the best policy, sometimes it's a bitch. So, if you know me personally, I request you don't ask me about anything I post here. If I choose to discuss it with you, by all means ask your questions. If not, let it drop.
















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